Saving a Guardian Angel
by Realilly
Summary: How do you save a guardian angel, much less a Slytherin? Snape x Lily. No spoilers, but better understood if you read Deathly Hallows. Songfic to Your Guardian Angel by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus.


**Song: **_**Your Guardian Angel **_**by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus. Please listen to it on repeat while reading this fic. **

………………………………………………………………………………………

**When I see your smile  
Tears run down my face I can't replace **

He hadn't meant to hurt her, yet that was what he always did. He wanted her to hear the path his half-finished sentences meandered down, yet her attention had wavered by then.

"You're…" _pretty._

"You're so…" _smart_

"You're too…" _everything. _

A choke escaped his constricting throat and he couldn't help but wonder why he hadn't been able to save her from that Potter boy. She had always chided him about his friends – well, all of them except for her – but she didn't listen when he tried to discuss hers. She was the one beautiful mistake that he had made.

He couldn't help but wish she was uglier. Stupider.

Less _everything._

Tears were curses, not gifts. They didn't help him remember her face, only the blurred outline as she ironically comforted him. Only his pain stayed.

**  
And now that I'm stronger I've figured out  
How this world turns cold and breaks through my soul**

He had cried that night. (Yes, how susceptible he had been to torrents and waterfalls of emotion, cutting through his skin like shards of glass…) She had become friends with the Potter boy – she _enjoyed _his teasing, his special attention to her.

Isn't that what he had given her? He would have died for her, would have kissed her, would have cherished her like an angel. She _was _an angel, she was his angel. Could you disown guardian angels?

If you could, he suspected that she would sever their friendship. Who would want a slimy-haired boy to be their savior?

He wouldn't even want himself…right? Or was he just thinking that to agree with Lily?

**  
And I know I'll find deep inside me I can be the one**

James was jealous, he comforted himself, nurturing his various burns. He had seen that he was close to Lily and he was jealous.

But his show-off attitude actually _impressed _her…how did that work?!

Frustration flared and fire licked his soul, condemning him to sainthood a little more.

**I will never let you fall  
I'll stand up with you forever  
I'll be there for you through it all  
Even if saving you sends me to heaven**

She was so absent minded. He had always thought that was one of her (very few) flaws, but to James it was more of an advantage. He could hold her short attention span, her wandering mind, with his stunts and teasing words, the flirt.

"_Looking good today, Lil!"_

"_Can't really say the same for you, Potter," _she'd laugh. She turned back to him, her "friend", but he could see that her face was glowing.

He tried that once. Once. "You look…pretty…" he mumbled, back in their first year. They didn't see each other much except in classes, but this was one of the rare times they sat beside the lake together in the sunset.

She looked at him strangely, a curiosity flitting in shadows over her eyes. "Thanks…" she said softly. She looked out across the lake, studying it. Her eyes never rested.

He wished that they could stay on him, study him. They lingered on Potter. What was wrong with him?

_You're no Quidditch player, no jock, no confident teaser._

Was he the strong, silent type of guy?

Rule out the strong, he thought then.

But he thought differently when he bled.

**It's okay. It's okay. It's okay… **

He liked to think of himself as a freak, an accident. Nature couldn't always create perfection, he would think, and that comforted him with a sardonic, twisted smile. He liked to have reasons.

Or excuses.

**  
Seasons are changing  
And waves are crashing  
And stars are falling all for us. **

And they were. The day she confided in him that she liked Potter was the day his heart froze. Not in the sense of becoming cold like ice, but in the sense of being petrified.

He was angry with her and had started spouting nonsense.

"Have you seen how he treats you, Lily? He'd just walk around with his arm around your waist and he'd just act like he likes you – he'd _act, _Lily! – and then just when you think you're in love and he's managed to convince you and himself too even, maybe, then that's when he'll break up with you and he'll just make you cry and cry at night and I'll _tell_ you, Lily, I _told_ you, I _warned_ you…I…" he trailed off, anger dissolving quickly at her pain. His breathing came fast.

She glared at him through her tears. "_How can you say that?"_ she hissed. "You say that he's going to make me cry, but the only one who's done that so far is _you_. I thought you were my friend! I…I just…" she was trailing off, like he always did. She never encouraged him to continue, but he did now to her.

"Go on," he said icily.

She looked desperately at the floor, swallowing a sob. "I…I _saw_ that we were…not as good friends…and I just…I thought that maybe if I confided in you then we could share secrets again and be…be close again!"

He was sorry already. "I'm…I'm sorry, Lily…"

"I know. I…I am too. You were just trying to subtly tell me that it doesn't work, does it…?" she explained to herself slowly. His eyes widened in horror.

"Lily, no, I-"

"No, no, it's…it's okay. It's just…better, this way, isn't it?" The ghost of a sad smile flickered on her lips.

Something – an animal, a ghost, a nameless fear – was rising up inside him. _"No!"_ he said loudly.

She looked at him, surprised. "What?"

That was all the encouragement he needed. "No," he repeated angrily, desperation clawing at him. "I…it's just that…you're my _friend,_ Lily, you're my-"

"Severus." She was stern now, and he wasn't ever going to get to finish.

He liked to think that her last word to him was a prayer, but then again, he was as twisted as the pretzel he saw James buy for an excited, _thankful_ Lily at Hogsmeade, once they were "together".

**  
Days grow longer and nights grow shorter  
I can show you I'll be the one.**

Peace came reluctantly. Torment was easy to find.

Soon it came to the point where James was no longer ignoring him, Severus, but torturing him. Lily was less sure now whether she liked the Potter boy, he could tell, and yet even when he, Severus, was hanging in the air upside down, wishing someone would save him, her words were still to James and not him.

A familiar friend looked him in the face and in his fury he spat out words he repeated in his mind for the rest of that year at Hogwarts. _Mudblood…Mudblood…Mudblood…_

_You don't actually like her. She certainly doesn't like you._

And then her post-last words were as icy as his could be; he almost reveled in that similarity. Lily walked off angry and James was sickly pleased by that.

Spell after spell pierced his body, but not even they could hit his heart. Magic could never succeed where armor could.

**I will never let you fall  
I'll stand up with you forever. **

Lies, all lies. He stormed back into the castle, hitting as many people as he could with his shoulders. They all looked the same, multi-faceted bastards that they were.

_How had he been deceived so easily?_

_Oh yes, you have a guardian angel_, he sneered at himself.

Even more cruel – _Yes,__** you**__ would be able to save someone._

_Demons don't have guardian angels. And neither do bastards._

_Yet you are both…do they cancel out?_

**  
I'll be there for you through it all  
Even if saving you sends me to heaven**

Huddled up in a classroom, he felt pathetic. _You are weak._

Wasn't he a Slytherin? Wasn't he supposed to be cruel and demanding?

_He was._

And that was why she was a Gryffindor: because she was brave in the face of love.

'**Cause you're my… you're my…my true love, my whole heart-  
Please don't throw that away…**

Ever since he saw her. Ever since he spoke to her. Ever, ever, ever.

Since then he was desperate for attention and love. He had been determined to ignore love and caresses and beautiful murmurs, but suddenly he had decided to Apparate into her life, resolute in his decision to never leave. And _ever since_ then, he wanted her to know that _he loved her._

All his life with her he had thought that he was her guardian angel and that she was his; they looked out for each other and stayed together. But they had never moved forward, and with that realization came the crystal fact that _she_ had saved _him_ from falling too far. There was just enough time to retreat into a cavern of guarded hearts…wasn't there?

_Too late…_he whispered. James had been right on time.

They had canceled each other out.

**  
'Cause I'm here for you;  
Please don't walk away,  
Please tell me you'll stay, stay**

He stood up in the dungeon, eyes red from crying and his body sore, screaming out. He kicked a chair from his crooked path, turned a table on its side with his two raw hands. Tears of fury were pouring down his cheeks but he _wanted_ them to fall, _wanted_ to show that _he was someone, he could do something!_

How _dare_ she walk away? How _dare_ she think that she could just let him go like that, that he was a toy she could toss into a trash can after his time was up? Because he was _not,_ he was – he was – he was _angry._

_Look at me!!!! _He screamed inside his brain. Suddenly his wand was out before he even realized what he was doing and he was smashing things and levitating things, turning them upside down.

_Look at me!!!_ he whispered, voice unable to croak anything else out. He said it over and over, a mantra of pain and suffering; tears. Mantra of love.

_Don't let me go!!! _he begged, cried, pleaded.

He felt like – needed to have the satisfaction from - killing something.

He thought of her face and he faltered. He thought of James and he hated. He inflicted pain. He _killed._

**Use me as you will  
Pull my strings just for a thrill **

His world was spinning, spinning, tables and walls a blur as he fell. _Crack._

His wand…his head…his back…his robes. His hair. His skin.

He wept because for once she wasn't there. Even in his pain over her she had been by his side, crying too, sad for whatever pain he was feeling. Now she was gone, and glad for the distance. Hate me today…hate me tomorrow.

Hate me the past and forever.

Resurrected, he was forced to live with her _son_. Sun shone on his face as he was forced to come to the realization that this was…_hers._

Dumbledore knew. Dumbledore knew too much. Dumbledore died for this child, for this child's mother.

Why couldn't he have died instead?

And so he acted like a multi-faceted bastard, sneering at _Harry Potter_ because he didn't know his father. _Be glad…_something whispered. He never spoke those words aloud, resisting the strong urge. He had always held himself back, hadn't he, so why shouldn't he continue with the tradition?

Until the _day he died,_ he, Severus Snape, would hide.

**  
And I know I'll be okay  
Though my skies are turning gray**

The snake fell upon him, but he pretended it was Lily and fought it. _Fight back, Snape,_ she taunted, biting and piercing him simultaneously. How had he considered himself a Slytherin? A guarded man, a freak? He was a _lover,_ a _man,_ a _strength._

_Look at me!_ he ordered Lily's son, and though he, Severus, was bleeding and crying and – dare he say it – dying…his one beautiful mistake's son – sun – obeyed.

**I will never let you fall  
****I'll stand up with you forever…**

He wept as he slipped over the smooth stones into the lake's murky black waters, unable to breathe in the water's suffocating kiss, because Lily's – his love's – mistake had been his savior.

He was welcomed second later into the skies with her friendly arms, knowing green eyes, and small apologetic smile. She was crying silently. He did not weep from pleasure or pain because he was strong, Slytherin though he was. He had learned.

**I'll be there for you through it all,  
****Even if saving you sends me to heaven.**

_Even guardian angels need saving._

………………………………………………………………………………………

**C/N: Wow. Well. I did this in…three hours? Two? Two and a half? Lol. Something like that, at least. FYI, this fic makes more sense to those of you who READ THE LAST HARRY POTTER BOOK!!!! but even if you didn't, just say that this was a Snape x Lily fic. :D **

**I had to get this out onto paper, cheesy though it is. I didn't cry while reading Deathly Hallows, but after those flashes about Snape's life kept flashing in my mind, and this song, **_**Your Guardian Angel**_**, kept playing on repeat. **_**That**_** was when I cried, and I couldn't really stop. I even had to get outside and walk my dog. cries**

**There's also a line of lyrics embedded in this fic from another song. Anyone who finds it gets a Hershey's kiss. :P**


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